I love my friends. I love them deeply. Some of them are like family to me. Thanks to them, I have more nephews and nieces than I have ever dreamed of. And I do am really grateful for the way they try to cheer me up. But I have to say this. I have to write it down so that it is clear!
Please stop telling me that it will pass!
To start with #endometriosis is a life condition, it will not pass. I might find a way to control the symptoms, maybe with time things will just get better, but in general this will not pass. I will never get my ovaries back, I will never be able to recover a decent fertility level, I will never be able to get over this sort of premature menopause I am going through (and I am not even 40 yo).
So the truth, the blatant, simple, obvious truth is that THIS WILL NOT PASS.
You want another truth? Here it is: #endometriosis is not a popular disease, not one for which you can easily fund raise or spread awareness. #Endometriosis will not kill you, but will make your life a lot harder. Sometimes to the point that you will lose your job because you can’t explain why certain days you simply can’t get out of bed. To the point that you might lose someone important in your life, simply because you can’t explain how painful intercourse is for you and you not wanting to have frequent intercourse has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with vaginal pain. Sometimes to the point where you lose yourself, because you are not that person laying miserably in bed and you want to take action and you want to be strong and you want to react but simply your body doesn’t have the strength or the necessary energy.
So the truth is that 1) this will not pass and 2) no one really wants to listen to you complaining about a disease that they do not understand.
OK, so now what? Truth is (once again) that I don’t know. I don’t know how today is going to be and even less I know about tomorrow. I don’t know if I will be able to make it to a dinner party or to a walk around the park. I don’t know if the painkillers will be enough to keep me going. I don’t know if my back will be strong enough to play with my nephews and nieces. I don’t know if I will be able to baby sit tomorrow or the day after. I don’t know if I will be able to get out of bed and finish that damn report in time.
But I do know something.
I know that every day, every morning when the alarm rings, when I wake up, I am determined to be the best person I can be. To be there for the friends and family who might need me. For the people I am working with and for. For the organisation for which I volunteer. For the students I am mentoring. For the zumba class.
I am determined to be the best I can. And I am convinced to get the best out of each and every day. I am aware of the truth(s).
I do not need a lie. I will sometimes need a shoulder to rest my head on. I might need a hug to hide me when I feel like crying. I probably will need a hot water bottle ready most days in winter whenever I come visit you. I am quite sure I will have some diet requirements that will make your life a tad more difficult when you invite me for dinner. But we are friends right? So this shouldn’t be too much to ask for. In exchange I provide my own shoulder, endless hugs, a hot water bottle, biscuits for all possible diet regimes, and an open mind to listen when needed, and good humour to go through life with a laugh.
Now if this is too much, dear friend, let’s part ways here. No hard feelings! But dealing with judgement and the feeling that I always have to justify myself, my actions and my choices…is not helping me. And the point of us coming together is to make each other feel better, protected, sheltered. If us coming together has to become a war, thanks but NO THANKS!
And life goes on…business as usual!